Achilles

I called this down on myself. I evoked it. I wondered, idly, but did not knock on wood. Just days after it started, my last great voyage has come to an end.

The lesson learned? Sacrifice. So many times, my lover gave to me; she gave her pride, her scruples, her better judgement. Her relations with me have been defined by the sacrifices she has made, over and over. So, I wonder with little imagination, "what could possibly go wrong with this, my last hurrah?" without realizing that the hurrah itself was the lesson to be learned. I saw in Marina a person who is so very much like me, and who was so very happy to be with me, and who could not wait to spend her time with me. I could see no problems, arguments, serious disagreements... I liked her so much. Ironically, it was how much I liked her that was the difficulty.

My lover, my love, and my future fianceé was asking one thing of me, and Marina was asking another, and the two conflicted perfectly. I could not satisfy one without defying the other. By defying Marina, I would lose her. By going with her, I would continue a tradition of selfishness and refusal to commit.

Consider this a commitment. Marina was the best girl I've met since you, and she was ready and willing to be with me, and I gave her up because you are worth more to me. There was no decision involved, just a reluctance to bury the hatchet. I would not defy you for anyone or anything.

I bear this cross with relief; glad that I finally have a cross to bear, and aware that your cross remains heavier.

-Alan