Yvan Eht Nioj
It was just a few short weeks ago that I received this e-mail from The Navy :
Please make careful note of the message in the picture; "Be part of something great. Get high-tech training. Money for school. And for now : five free music downloads. Just to get you thinking."
Not only is The Navy terrible at punctuation and sentence flow, they seem to have an ass backwards approach to recruitment. Sure, maybe the times have changed, but I've won free music downloads off of fast-food cups. The Navy wants to give me the music without the meal. Are you trying to tell me something, The Navy? Am I looking a bit soft around the edges?
The pacing of their e-mail is perfect; six headers, enabled as links :
1. Take the hands-on approach. Start gaining the experience you need...
2. Cash in on over $70,000 for college. Work or school... why not go for both?
3. Experience a new sort of excitement. Cruising the open seas. Defending our freedom. Helping the humanitarian cause. (This one just makes me sad. First, the even momentary implication that one merely "cruises" while in The Navy seems a not-so-clever trap. What's more, who said that the American war agenda was THE humanitarian cause?)
4. Discover your place in the world. (Now this I completely support! Being home for the Summer with very few structured activities available, I'd be a lot happier if I knew something worthwhile that I was good at. This is a promise that I'm willing to believe The Navy on.)
5. "The Navy changed my life." Ready to join those who say it with pride?
This, above, is not a bad advertisement for The Navy. I'm not planning on being any type of soldier in my lifetime, and still it gets me thinking. If there were some bizarro-Alan out there, stuck at home for the Summer with very few structured activitites available, yet not morally opposed to participating in America's military program, he might sign up after reading this. It's a decent advert, until...
6. To access your five free music downloads, simply fill out the form. Or Call 1-800-USA-NAVY. When a recruited calls to verify your information, feel free to ask questions. Learn more about specific career opportunities. Qualifications. And the potential life waiting for you in the Navy.
So, try and imagine the person that The Navy is pitching to here. Maybe mildly intrigued by the idea of learning to operate very expensive machinery. $70,000 sounds great, but it's for college and college is hard. A new sort of excitement is a great thing to offer him, especially if his old sort of excitement was masturbating while playing a video game. And for a hopeless loser like him, a chance to discover his place in the world is like offering him the tit he'll suck on for the rest of his life.
But in case you're not convinced... five free music downloads.
(hangs head)
So here's my list of the five songs I would download if I joined The Navy:
5. In The Navy - The Village People
4. Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists
3. Sloop John B - The Beach Boys
2. Sail Away - Enya (you know, the one that they always play on "NOW That's What I Call 90's" commercials)
1. Gut Feeling - Devo
What are yours?
-Alan
Please make careful note of the message in the picture; "Be part of something great. Get high-tech training. Money for school. And for now : five free music downloads. Just to get you thinking."
Not only is The Navy terrible at punctuation and sentence flow, they seem to have an ass backwards approach to recruitment. Sure, maybe the times have changed, but I've won free music downloads off of fast-food cups. The Navy wants to give me the music without the meal. Are you trying to tell me something, The Navy? Am I looking a bit soft around the edges?
The pacing of their e-mail is perfect; six headers, enabled as links :
1. Take the hands-on approach. Start gaining the experience you need...
2. Cash in on over $70,000 for college. Work or school... why not go for both?
3. Experience a new sort of excitement. Cruising the open seas. Defending our freedom. Helping the humanitarian cause. (This one just makes me sad. First, the even momentary implication that one merely "cruises" while in The Navy seems a not-so-clever trap. What's more, who said that the American war agenda was THE humanitarian cause?)
4. Discover your place in the world. (Now this I completely support! Being home for the Summer with very few structured activities available, I'd be a lot happier if I knew something worthwhile that I was good at. This is a promise that I'm willing to believe The Navy on.)
5. "The Navy changed my life." Ready to join those who say it with pride?
This, above, is not a bad advertisement for The Navy. I'm not planning on being any type of soldier in my lifetime, and still it gets me thinking. If there were some bizarro-Alan out there, stuck at home for the Summer with very few structured activitites available, yet not morally opposed to participating in America's military program, he might sign up after reading this. It's a decent advert, until...
6. To access your five free music downloads, simply fill out the form. Or Call 1-800-USA-NAVY. When a recruited calls to verify your information, feel free to ask questions. Learn more about specific career opportunities. Qualifications. And the potential life waiting for you in the Navy.
So, try and imagine the person that The Navy is pitching to here. Maybe mildly intrigued by the idea of learning to operate very expensive machinery. $70,000 sounds great, but it's for college and college is hard. A new sort of excitement is a great thing to offer him, especially if his old sort of excitement was masturbating while playing a video game. And for a hopeless loser like him, a chance to discover his place in the world is like offering him the tit he'll suck on for the rest of his life.
But in case you're not convinced... five free music downloads.
(hangs head)
So here's my list of the five songs I would download if I joined The Navy:
5. In The Navy - The Village People
4. Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists
3. Sloop John B - The Beach Boys
2. Sail Away - Enya (you know, the one that they always play on "NOW That's What I Call 90's" commercials)
1. Gut Feeling - Devo
What are yours?
-Alan
posted by Alan Orlanski at 1:37 PM
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