Go Downtown
Here is an self-indulgent op-ed piece I submitted to Student Life, Washington University's student newspaper :
As another academic year draws to a close, I find myself forced to look back on my own contributions to Washington University at large. With Springtime activities coming and going as quickly as the Graham Chapel flowerbed, my failure to participate in the Marrow Registry, Locks Of Love, Thurteen Carnival or any sports team or greek organization gives me pause. I find myself asking “How will I go down in Wash U. history?” As a sophomore, I realize that my time here (barring academic turmoil) is now almost half over. A large part of Wash U’s appeal is the strong sense of community and cooperation, and my failure to take part in this community is, at the very least, a failure to get my money’s worth.
Through the cooperation of Mr. David Ryan Brody, the Student Life Photo Editor, I have found my way into a number of photos this semester. My presence in the paper is part of a larger plan to become a widespread campus icon; if StudLife readers see my face (or even the back of my head) every few issues, surely I will come to have some subliminal power over them. And so, when Mr. Brody was in need of a staged photograph, I was his man. Our first collaboration was for the article “College students lacking real-world literacy, says study” (Student Life, News, 2/3/06), in which I was instructed to “hold a road map upside-down and look painfully confused.” The pained expression in the picture is completely authentic; Mr. Brody would not allow me to use the bathroom before the photo-shoot.
But what difference does a schmaltzy photograph make? Next to none, I admit, but two photographs? A short week-and-a-half later, I was lounging on Mr. Brody’s couch when he announced, to all within earshot, that he needed a photograph “Of someone going down on a grapefruit for the Studlife Sex issue.” Hardly had my hand been raised in the air before a sliced citrus was shoved into my face. I must admit, the grapefruit was an unexpectedly accurate representation of female anatomy, despite the temperature and decidedly sweeter flavor. Mr. Brody shouted out instructions as he photographed, telling me to pay more attention to the maraschino cherry he had attached to the top fold, at which point I felt compelled to remind him that there’s more to cunnilingus than the maraschino. But imagine my pride in seeing my five-photo spread alongside Ms. [name deleted] in the Sex Issue (Student Life, 2/13/06).
The grapefruit spread didn’t attract as much attention as I had hoped, which I attribute to Mr. Brody’s failure to attach my name and phone number to the article, but a third and final chance to make a mark on Wash U would present itself at the end of March. Once again, Mr. Brody announced his need for photo-models by saying “I need someone to dress up as a professor, and I need someone else to pretend to go down on him.” It was quickly decided that one Mr. Gerstenhaber would don a wool jacket and pipe for the role of the professor. Unsurprisingly, none of the women present were willing to apply themselves to this task.
There is some amount of controversy surrounding the article, “Student sleeps with her prof, fails class anyway” (Student Libel, News Schnews, 3/31/06), and specifically the picture that accompanied it. I, myself, heard many people saying things like “Who is that hot chick? I’ve never seen her before” and even people who claim to have met the mystery woman; “Oh yeah, I hooked up with her down at Frat Row first semester.” Mr. Gerstenhaber, himself, faced the repeated question, “Dude, how’d you talk her into it?” to which he invariably responded, “By the way, that chick is a guy.”
The question of how one contributes to the Washington University community is an uncertain one. Surely there are too many students to affect and causes to participate in for the average student to leave an enormous mark, but I’ve learned that it’s the most minute contributions that make WU a special place to live and learn. And so, as this academic year comes to a close, at least I can answer one question : How will I go down in Wash U. history?
I already have.
Twice.
-Alan
As another academic year draws to a close, I find myself forced to look back on my own contributions to Washington University at large. With Springtime activities coming and going as quickly as the Graham Chapel flowerbed, my failure to participate in the Marrow Registry, Locks Of Love, Thurteen Carnival or any sports team or greek organization gives me pause. I find myself asking “How will I go down in Wash U. history?” As a sophomore, I realize that my time here (barring academic turmoil) is now almost half over. A large part of Wash U’s appeal is the strong sense of community and cooperation, and my failure to take part in this community is, at the very least, a failure to get my money’s worth.
Through the cooperation of Mr. David Ryan Brody, the Student Life Photo Editor, I have found my way into a number of photos this semester. My presence in the paper is part of a larger plan to become a widespread campus icon; if StudLife readers see my face (or even the back of my head) every few issues, surely I will come to have some subliminal power over them. And so, when Mr. Brody was in need of a staged photograph, I was his man. Our first collaboration was for the article “College students lacking real-world literacy, says study” (Student Life, News, 2/3/06), in which I was instructed to “hold a road map upside-down and look painfully confused.” The pained expression in the picture is completely authentic; Mr. Brody would not allow me to use the bathroom before the photo-shoot.
But what difference does a schmaltzy photograph make? Next to none, I admit, but two photographs? A short week-and-a-half later, I was lounging on Mr. Brody’s couch when he announced, to all within earshot, that he needed a photograph “Of someone going down on a grapefruit for the Studlife Sex issue.” Hardly had my hand been raised in the air before a sliced citrus was shoved into my face. I must admit, the grapefruit was an unexpectedly accurate representation of female anatomy, despite the temperature and decidedly sweeter flavor. Mr. Brody shouted out instructions as he photographed, telling me to pay more attention to the maraschino cherry he had attached to the top fold, at which point I felt compelled to remind him that there’s more to cunnilingus than the maraschino. But imagine my pride in seeing my five-photo spread alongside Ms. [name deleted] in the Sex Issue (Student Life, 2/13/06).
The grapefruit spread didn’t attract as much attention as I had hoped, which I attribute to Mr. Brody’s failure to attach my name and phone number to the article, but a third and final chance to make a mark on Wash U would present itself at the end of March. Once again, Mr. Brody announced his need for photo-models by saying “I need someone to dress up as a professor, and I need someone else to pretend to go down on him.” It was quickly decided that one Mr. Gerstenhaber would don a wool jacket and pipe for the role of the professor. Unsurprisingly, none of the women present were willing to apply themselves to this task.
There is some amount of controversy surrounding the article, “Student sleeps with her prof, fails class anyway” (Student Libel, News Schnews, 3/31/06), and specifically the picture that accompanied it. I, myself, heard many people saying things like “Who is that hot chick? I’ve never seen her before” and even people who claim to have met the mystery woman; “Oh yeah, I hooked up with her down at Frat Row first semester.” Mr. Gerstenhaber, himself, faced the repeated question, “Dude, how’d you talk her into it?” to which he invariably responded, “By the way, that chick is a guy.”
The question of how one contributes to the Washington University community is an uncertain one. Surely there are too many students to affect and causes to participate in for the average student to leave an enormous mark, but I’ve learned that it’s the most minute contributions that make WU a special place to live and learn. And so, as this academic year comes to a close, at least I can answer one question : How will I go down in Wash U. history?
I already have.
Twice.
-Alan
posted by Alan Orlanski at 1:59 AM
1 Comments:
self-indulgent? sure. but I think it's amusing.
(yeah, I know more commenting. i do have a life, tho, really... I think... ^_^)
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