Pistachio

Some people are just well-accustomed to the dreck that spills forth from their gaping maws. These people, in all their ignorance, tend to be the sort of people who come up with pet names, and I envy their ability to use those painfully cutesy monikers; one of the seldom-touted perks of being completely mentally checked-out is that one can rarely fail to notice the world around oneself without, similarly, failing to notice oneself. And given that I'm no expert on failing to notice myself, my attempts to use pet names in the past have either been outright failures or tongue-in-cheek.

This one may be both.

It really doesn't matter what name you pick, if it's inocuous. Certainly, pre-formed reactions to a word can't be supressed, so it's best to avoid words that have connotations which are out of place in a romantic setting : "Charmin," "Dog In Heat," "Tasty Clam Dip," etc.

It may seem difficult to escape all negative connotation, but all it takes is a little extra-box thinking. Even though we're talking about amorous pet-names, the example I'm going to use is Carl and my nickname for Bridget's little brother, "Paper Bag". This name comes from a nearly one-year-old anecdote, in which Paper Bag (a name which, for the purposes of this story, is kinda preemptive) made use of a scrap of paper bag to do away with the last of his sister's forgotten stash.

What's acceptable and what's unacceptable varies greatly from person to person, but a simple rule of thumb may help you decide : if you walked into the quad (or into a park, or some other open area for generalized milling-about) and saw this person on the other side, would you feel as comfortable shouting their pet name as their real one?

"HEY, HOOVER!" may not draw too much scorn, but if her last name isn't Hoover, you may need to rethink your choice of petname.

-Alan

Please Stand Up

"I, the Anonymous Reader, find your posts pretty entertaining in general... I also know a little about your system, enough to know that your name is a pseudonym, though I'm guessing that probably the people that know you know who you really are.

As for censorship... meh. If you could say something when the majority of your readership encompassed strangers, surely you can say it when your readers are mostly your freinds."

There's a lot to say to that, but there's thoughts to mull over first.

If you're the anonymous reader who left this message, I'd like for you to e-mail me at alanorelse@gmail.com (come and get it, spambots!).

-Alan

Sound The Alarm

I failed to live up to the goal (or, rather, mandate) of a post every other day. My understanding is that there is a team of strong-armed men standing in the wings, bluntening their clubs, intent on drawing at least a post's worth of blood. If only I were a hemopheliac, this would all go so much quicker.

Dorm Adventures had it's heyday, I suppose, but everything deteriorates with time. My Summer life is boring, but not as boring as this webspace might suggest. There are happenings, goings-on, musings and maybe even a parable or two, but I am unable to share most of them with you.

The readership has been dwindling since the New Year, and I understand why. There was, perhaps, once a time when part of the readership followed Suite 3100 primarily for the purpose of enjoying themselves; now, I believe, those who still come here are here for the sake of their relationship to me. (SurrealGertrude, stand proud as the exception)

In short, by failing to attract readers who don't have a very specific social connection to me, I find that the things I can say here are outnumbered by the things that I can't. And maybe this is just my systemic self-consciousness looming dark over my blog-window, but so much has been cast aside for fear of what my mother might think, or what Bridget might think, or Marina, or Carl, or even Brody.

Censorship perturbs me. Politically, it should be done away with; by putting limits on the production of media, they control what is available from the top down, keeping obscenity away from the places children are likely to go. But why not forget the Puritans, lift all limits on the production of media, and instead work on a system of limiting access to obscenity? Of course, in my opinion, a child who is looking for pornography deserves to have it; the legal age for purchasing all media materials should be the age at which you know what you're buying. If a kid knows what Playboy is, it's already too late to protect him.

But, for the sake of pertinence, I'll let go of the previous paragraph. The issue at hand is Social Censorship, which is far more complicated.
Do I believe that there should be things that I'm not allowed to say? No.
Do I believe that everyone has a right to get angry at me for the things that I write? Yes.
The problem, of course, is that I project my own paranoias into other people. I know that nobody is restricting my tongue (or, I guess, my fingers), but the fear that they will react in a negative way translates, in my mind, into disallowance.

And then comes the (inevitable) moment of identity crisis. How do I reconsile the fact that I'm afraid to write over 50% of the things that I think/do? Doesn't that mean that something has gone terribly wrong?

I know this hasn't been the most-straightforward post... I'd like to think that you'll brush this off and forget about it, but I won't know until you do.

-Alan

Yvan Eht Nioj

It was just a few short weeks ago that I received this e-mail from The Navy :



Please make careful note of the message in the picture; "Be part of something great. Get high-tech training. Money for school. And for now : five free music downloads. Just to get you thinking."

Not only is The Navy terrible at punctuation and sentence flow, they seem to have an ass backwards approach to recruitment. Sure, maybe the times have changed, but I've won free music downloads off of fast-food cups. The Navy wants to give me the music without the meal. Are you trying to tell me something, The Navy? Am I looking a bit soft around the edges?

The pacing of their e-mail is perfect; six headers, enabled as links :
1. Take the hands-on approach. Start gaining the experience you need...
2. Cash in on over $70,000 for college. Work or school... why not go for both?
3. Experience a new sort of excitement. Cruising the open seas. Defending our freedom. Helping the humanitarian cause. (This one just makes me sad. First, the even momentary implication that one merely "cruises" while in The Navy seems a not-so-clever trap. What's more, who said that the American war agenda was THE humanitarian cause?)
4. Discover your place in the world. (Now this I completely support! Being home for the Summer with very few structured activities available, I'd be a lot happier if I knew something worthwhile that I was good at. This is a promise that I'm willing to believe The Navy on.)
5. "The Navy changed my life." Ready to join those who say it with pride?

This, above, is not a bad advertisement for The Navy. I'm not planning on being any type of soldier in my lifetime, and still it gets me thinking. If there were some bizarro-Alan out there, stuck at home for the Summer with very few structured activitites available, yet not morally opposed to participating in America's military program, he might sign up after reading this. It's a decent advert, until...

6. To access your five free music downloads, simply fill out the form. Or Call 1-800-USA-NAVY. When a recruited calls to verify your information, feel free to ask questions. Learn more about specific career opportunities. Qualifications. And the potential life waiting for you in the Navy.


So, try and imagine the person that The Navy is pitching to here. Maybe mildly intrigued by the idea of learning to operate very expensive machinery. $70,000 sounds great, but it's for college and college is hard. A new sort of excitement is a great thing to offer him, especially if his old sort of excitement was masturbating while playing a video game. And for a hopeless loser like him, a chance to discover his place in the world is like offering him the tit he'll suck on for the rest of his life.

But in case you're not convinced... five free music downloads.

(hangs head)

So here's my list of the five songs I would download if I joined The Navy:
5. In The Navy - The Village People
4. Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists
3. Sloop John B - The Beach Boys
2. Sail Away - Enya (you know, the one that they always play on "NOW That's What I Call 90's" commercials)
1. Gut Feeling - Devo

What are yours?

-Alan

"I Want You To Tell Me To Do Something..."

What was I thinking? What could have possessed me to say to her, "This is going to sound weird, but, I want you to tell me to do something"; a request so strange it required further explanation, and still an example.

I was hoping for something frivolous; a warm-up round before we got down to business. But, and she'll tell you this herself, though she's not the kind to always ask for what she wants, she most certainly knows what she wants and sees no reason to lie when asked.

So I asked her to tell me to do something, and she told me to blog every other day. Well, specifically she complained at her daily peril, checking the blog and finding nothing new since a week ago (and nothing substancial since mid-May). She went on to suggest that I might, every couple of days, precipitate a post. She did not suggest the means by which I precipitate said post, however, so I intend to periodically extort Alfonzo, or maybe even Carl...

The Summer Season is on!