Tremble Not, There Is Nothing To Fear

Dearest, and likely rather bored reader, you've come to a little speed hump in my blog. If you were reading from the top down, then the last post you read (The Cynicism Begins) was my first post ever.

Below this little note to you is where I keep the few "Mixologies" I've put up for public scrutiny. There are links to these from other parts of the page, but I seriously doubt you've read them. I think there are only two people in the world who read them.

I already know which of you will turn back and which of you will read on. I just needed some way of warning you.

-Alan (6/15/06)

As American As Last Year

Section 1
1. Bluebird Of Paradise (Pt. 1) - Mojave 3
2. Wise Up - Aimee Mann
3. Displaced - Azure Ray
4. She Looks At Me - That Dog
5. Passenger Seat - Death Cab For Cutie

Section 2
6. Calistan - Frank Black
7. Soldier Girl - The Polyphonic Spree
8. Love The One You're With - Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
9. Bluebird Of Happiness (Pt.2) - Mojave 3
10. Love Is Hell - Ryan Adams
11. Live And Let Die - Guns 'n' Roses
12. Please Forgive Me - David Gray

Section 3
13. Eclipse - The Beta Band
14. Vicious World - Rufus Wainwright
15. Across The Universe - Fiona Apple
16. Go On Ahead - Liz Phair
17. Bluebird Of Happiness (Pt. 3) - Mojave 3

Section 4
18. Blister In The Sun - The Violent Femmes
19. Bam Thwok - The Pixies
20. Glad And Sorry - The Faces
21. You Still Believe In Me - The Beach Boys
22. Pressure Drop - The Specials

You Still Believe In Me - The Beach Boys

True Redemption

"I know perfectly well I'm not where I should be
I've been very aware you've been patient with me
Every time we break up, you bring back your love to me
And after all I've done to you, how can it be
You still believe in me.
I try hard to be more what you want me to be
But I can't help how I act when you're not here with me.
I try hard to be strong, but sometimes I fail myself
And after all I've promised you
You still believe in me.
I wanna cry."

I had been saving this one. Eventually, I expect I will have used every song on Pet Sounds, but the timing of this one is particularly important. It is part history, part present, part future. I knew, just as I know now, that I'm not in a place where we can be together. I know that she forgives me for my mistakes. And she always accepts me back when I come to my senses. Only recently did she lose trust in me, in what I'm doing. I reminded her that she's never been wrong for trusting me before, and that the same should stay true. I am weak, and when I'm alone I get weak. Even when I'm not alone, I'm still very weak and stupid, but I'm working on all of that. She knows I'm working on it. She knows I'm trying to be a better man, she just doesn't know how openly I make these changes for her. I lied, I'll admit, but there are some lies worth telling. So I'm secretly harboring feelings for her, perhaps even an obsession for her. Like Elizabeth said, my world revolves around her, and it has for months. All the better when I no longer have to hide the feelings. I'm not trying to create a situation in which she'll feel guitly for living her life while I sat and waited for her. I honestly believe that, at the moment, this is what I am meant to do. I'm making no promises to her, because we don't speak in BELAJO. I just write everything down for the future.

Glad And Sorry - The Faces

Conclusion

"Glad and sorry.
Happy or sad.
When all is done and spoken,
You're up or I'm down."

This mix didn't really have a thesis (except maybe "Wise Up") but this song is definitely the conclusion. It sums up everything I've been struggling to say about this mix; "Glad and sorry. Happy or sad." I was glad we were breaking up, and perhaps even preemptively bitter. At the same time, though, I didn't want to go through with it. At times I was happy with the choice, and other times I was sad. Lately, I've managed to be Happy AND Sad, which is a definite improvement over my place in the Summer. I think the confusion seen in this mix is a result of me juggling "Glad" and "Sorry". I didn't really understand that until I made it to this song. Now it all makes sense.

Bam Thwok - The Pixies

Brand New

"I can hear the buzzing modulations of the universe
but you're the first to make me feel it."

I picked this song because it's the first new song released by The Pixies in over a decade, but also because its full of love and hum.... Hum is the word for it, honestly. You'll just have to decipher what I mean by that. "Love, bang....bam thwok" I'm totally stoked that Kim Deal gets the lead voice in this song, too, and if I had to guess, I'd say she wrote most of the words (a little too abstract, even for Francis).
I guess the message here is something akin to : "My love for you is like a monster guitar solo, with like flange and all sorts of distortion an' shit." I definitely feel like a burnout kid from the 80's sometimes. (Did he just say "making fuck?")

Blister In The Sun - The Violent Femmes

There We Go

"Let me go on,
Like a blister in the sun.
Let me go on.
Big hands, I know you're the one."

I listened to this track before I started writing, kind of a way of preempting whatever emotional reaction I might have to the songs. As it turns out, it was a good response, and I think I better understand the rest of this mix. I'll get to that, though.
The message of this song is simple : I make mistakes, and I want to make another, so let me make it. I'll fry myself, and I need to.
In my imagination, my dramatic version of life, I realize that leaving Bridget is a mistake in the very last moments before it happens (or rather, in the last 3 seconds before the spaceship explodes, sending us spiraling down to opposite polar stars, but that's neither here nor there). I still think this mistake that I'm making is a necessary one, and there's a little bit of that in "Blister in the Sun". It's totally a song that rejoices in its vices, and I'm trying to be a person who does the same.
On a historical note, this song is also from Grosse Pointe Blank.

Bluebird Of Happiness (Pt.3) - Mojave 3

Found My Way Home.

"Gotta find a way to get back home.
Gotta find a way back home."

There's something going on in this mix. In Scrote, I intentionally structed the mix in such a way that it started from a familiar and stable place, wandered (then dove headlong) into instability and insecurity, then found its way back to stability and comfort. This mix seems to be doing the same thing, though I didn't intend for it to.
The lyric from "Bluebird Pt.2", "Never wanted to feel this way," echoes in the background of this final portion of “Bluebird”. I just noticed that, not having heard it when I was making the mix. I think the sentiment of that line is more successful in this context; the first time around, it was too pronounced, too proud. This time, in the background, it feels like "No, honestly, I really don't like feeling this way," more like a whimper or a plea than a statement.

This song concludes the first three sections of As American As Last Year. I know that the final track, the appendix, is something completely different from the first three. I don't know what it will be, though, and I'm almost afraid to investigate it. Well, here goes.

Go On Ahead - Liz Phair

"Don't Mind Me"

"You go on ahead, Honey.
You have a good time there.
You make me feel funny.
I'm no ordinary lover or a friend."

"I believe when I sleep you are near to me.
When you sleep, I am near to you."

This is another case of me putting words in Bridget's mouth, though, at the same time, it isn't. I wished, with this song, to have Bridget wish me well and send me on my way. Simultaneously, I wanted to wish her well and send her on her way. Above both of those messages, I wanted to suggest some hint of future domestic life together. It was this song that first got me interested in thoughts of marriage and life with Bridget. I can't escape the idea, now. It also hints at relationship problems, persistent but manageable. I like this.... I'm starting to like this mix again.

Across The Universe - Fiona Apple

Redemption At Last?

"Nothin's gonna change my world.
Nothin's gonna change my world.
Nothin's gonna change my world.
Nothin's gonna change my world."

Finally a song that doesn't divide us! "Across The Universe" first appeared in the early mixes, put there out of the knowledge that Bridget likes this song. I believe I've used both versions by the Beatles (Let It Be version, and Anthology 3 version) and I can't remember if I used the live cover by Rufus Wainwright, Moby, and Sean Lennon. This particular version comes from the very end of Pleasantville. I think the suggestion here is that some things never change, which, in this case, is supposed to be a good thing. I think I meant that, ultimately, I might change (hopefully for the better) but the conditions of my life would remain the same, over time (we will be together in the future). This song is probably the first BELAJO moment in this mix (though BELAJO is being retroactively applied here).

Vicious World - Rufus Wainwright

Discord

"Oh Lord, what have I done to myself?
What have I done to myself,
In this vicious world?"

I played this song on the way to school the morning after I shaved all my hair off. That choice (the shaving, not playing the song) is really representative of this mix. All the songs I'm struggling with are analogous to the shaving of my head. Bridget told me, when I proposed the shaving to her, that she would prefer that I didn't shave my hair off, but that she wouldn't tell me not to. Whatever it was in me that decided to do it anyway is also responsible for "Love The One You're With" and some of the other atrocities on this mix. That part of me did things that I knew wouldn't please Bridget, but also wouldn't make her leave me. I can't explain this temptation.... It's awful, for both of us (more for her).

Eclipse - The Beta Band

Convoluted and Nonsensical

"I don't have too many answers,
But I've got a whole heap of questions.
I've got a whole heap of questions
That I won't hide from you."

I'm so lost. Maybe I'm trying to0 hard to read meaning into a surface-level mix. I definitely felt much better about this mix before I started really listening to it. I felt, when I made it, that this song was too long to be so meaningless, but the last line ("No pizza for them") was too much fun to leave. I think the convoluted and nonsensical nature of this song is appropriate, but unintentional; I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm confused and full of questions, but I don't think I thought of this song in this way until just now.

Please Forgive Me - David Gray

Another Plea

"Please forgive me if I act a little strange,
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins,
Every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you."

This song originally came from Suzanne's Graduation Mix, and I like the song. I wish I really could have felt the things this song suggests. My aim, doubtlessly, was to achieve some amount of absolution after the string of unforgivable songs that come before this one. I believe I actually meant most of the things in this song, come to think of it. I was mixed up. I still am mixed up. I want to rip myself away from her, and simultaneous love her forever. I'm still fucked up in that same way, though I'm feeling more like being with her with every passing day. I just can't quite get the balance right in this mix. I think Itchy Scrote gets the balance better than this one does. I hope I can write that one a little better.

Live And Let Die - Guns 'n' Roses

You Gonna Hurt Me, Frank? Burn Me!

"When you were young and your heart was an open book,
They used to say 'live and let live.'
But if this everchanging world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say 'live and let die.'"

I'm going for the cutthroat feel in this song, something in the vein of approximating my attitude again. I am also referencing, obscurely, the film Gross Pointe Blanke, which we watched together during the summer (this particular version of the song is in that film. Originally by Paul McCartney and Wings). If there is any message that I think Bridget should have taken from this song, in its original context, I hope it was"Fuck the bastard. Do to him as he does to me." That's really what I'm hoping she took away from this whole mix. I see what the problem with this mix is, now : It is completely greedy. I am making points in this mix that are entirely self-serving, which leaves them open for the opposite interpretation (her taking them for herself, reversing my meanings to her benefit). This whole mix just widens the gap between us. UGLY! UGLY! KILL IT! Destroy!

Love Is Hell - Ryan Adams

More Whining, Never Thinking Of Her

"Love is hell.
Love is hell.
Love is hellllllllllllllll....."

(Trying to be less critical and depressed about the mix's contents). There's another lyric in this song, "I could be serious but I'm just kidding around. I could be anything; anything but sticking around" that seems like a good description of me. The choice of the song, itself, I will admit was just another whine. This whole mix is almost unlistenable.
But that line... that line strikes at my whole attitude towards relationships: I give the impression that I'm taking it seriously, but it's really just a game to me. Love is a game, and I feel like I'm exceptionally good at playing it, except when I get tired and grumpy, and that's when I stop playing the game and people stop having fun.

Next song starts playing, so I move on.

Bluebird Of Happiness (Pt. 2) - Mojave 3

Insult To Injury

"Never wanted to feel this way.
Never wanted to feel so sad.
Never wanted to feel this way
Today.... today."

So I steal her music, misinterpret it, tell her to fuck off, that I'm going to do the same, and then steal more of her music. To add insult to injury, this song makes a feeble attempt at absolution : "I never wanted to feel this way!" I exclaim, hands in the air, as though my lack of intent to fuck her over somehow excuses my doing so. I'm going to rush the rest of this mix. It is killing me.

Love The One You're With - Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

Unforgivable

"Well there's a rose in a fisted glove,
And the eagle flies with the dove.
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Love the one you're with.
Love the one you're with.
Love the one you're with.
Love the one you're with."

Jesus Christ, I'm an asshole. If I need any mental justification for her relationship with Dale, it's this song (this mix in general, but this song is particularly implicated). I remember picking this song for exactly this reason, to examine the hard truth of what I was intending to do. Now (December 20th) I have completely fucked my own plans, and I somehow expect her to fuck hers? After all the encouragement I gave her to strike out on her own? Jesus Christ! How can she stand me?!

Soldier Girl - The Polyphonic Spree

This Is Becoming An Exercise In Futility

"I found my soldier girl.
She's so far away.
She makes my head spin around."

If you can't tell, I'm becoming very tired of this mix. I would stop, like I did two days ago, but I know that it isn't simply that I'm tired of writing, but rather something is very wrong with this mix. I'm very disillusioned with it right now. This song has only three lines, and I listed them above. I guess the notions I was going for is that Bridget is the soldier girl, which is a suggestion of her fortitude (her almost ridiculous acceptance of the shit I put her through). She's so far away, a reference either to the distance between us (Me on vacation, her at home), the distance between us (Me in St. Louis, she in St. Paul), or the distance between us (an emotional estrangement regarding the impending end of the relationship). These sentiments are nice, but feeble in this instance. I wish I could've meant them a little more.

Calistan - Frank Black

Road Song

"Used to be sixteen lanes.
Used to be Juevo Spain.
Used to be one way.
Used to Mexico.
Used to be Najavo.
Used to be yippie-ay-I don't know."

This is a road song, and fits in the mix only because I made it while on vacation (and thus, on the road). I like the song, as well. It has the right sound to it, kinda mysterious and unstable, but there's really nothing else to it.

Passenger Seat - Death Cab For Cutie

The Movie Version Resumes

"When you feel embarassed, then I'll be your pride.
When you need directions, then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time."

The above lyric really misses the point, I think. I like the above lyric, a lot, and it was most of the reason I chose to try and sing this song for her; I like the thoughts of supporting her, of being needed by her. This is, no doubt, the very reason she gave it to me on Windy Day Songs. I say it misses the point because I kinda used the song to ruin a sentiment. I didn't do it on purpose, of course. But the idea of being bolstered and supported coming from Bridget to me is something wonderful, something I look for (and, at the same time, instinctually avoid). However, the same sentiment from me to Bridget is just further subjugation. To remind her of that, that I will catch her when she falls, is terrible in this context for two reasons: 1. It is needless, as the context of our relationship up to that point had been one of my dominance in all affairs, especially in emotional bolstering (though, I might note, most of the need for bolstering was my own fault). 2. This mix comes some small number of weeks before I abandon Bridget. I pledge to her something that I'm not even fully prepared to offer!
The true message of this song, if it can be redeemed in this mix, is in the image of me in the passenger seat and Bridget behind the wheel. Though there are reasons to harken back to the actual period in which Bridget was the main automobile operator in our relationship, there is also important symbolism in the image; this is what I see us, someday, destined for. She will be behind the wheel, and perhaps I'll bark directions from time to time, but she will drive. I can't really explain this too well at the moment. There's something there, though.
This song also, notably, leads me to recall the time mentioned in History Part 2 : "Good Vibrations". One would do well to check that out, if one doesn't know what I'm talking about.

Pressure Drop - The Specials

Funeral Song #2

"It is you. Oh-yeah-eah-ay.
It is you. Oh-yeah-eah-ay.
It is you. Oh-yeah-eah-ay.
I said pressure drop, oh pressure.
Oh yeah, pressure gonna drop on you.
I said pressure drop, oh pressure.
Oh yeah, pressure gonna drop on you.
When it drop, oh you gotta feel it,
All that you are doin' is wrong.
Ah said, when it drop, oh you gotta feel it,
All that you are doin' is wrong.
It is you. Oh-yeah-eah-ay.
It is you. Oh-yeah-eah-ay.
I said pressure drop, oh pressure.
Oh yeah pressure's gonna drop on you.
I said pressure drop, oh pressure.
Oh yeah pressure's gonna drop on you.
Sometimes you feel alone in the things that you do,
And people tell you that it is wrong
Life gets rough, life gets tough
So tell me what you gonna do about it?
You could die young, you could die old (unsure of remaining lyrics)


Three years ago, I decided that "Glad Tidings" by Van Morrison should be played at my funeral. Just today, I decided that "Pressure Drop" (the cover by the Specials, not the original by Jimmy Cliff) should be the second song played at my funeral. This song, like so many on this mix, came from Grosse Pointe Blank, which I had watched with Bridget sometime in May(?) 2004. This song was my pre-graduation song, when I was incredibly concerned about the whole process. I don't know why, exactly, but this song kinda became the theme of the whole Summer (both versions became the theme, to tell the truth). It stuck around after that, as well : About six weeks into the school year, when I was at my high point, I rode in circles around the library singing this song at the top of my lungs (waiting for Maggie and Holden, having a post-relationship conversation).
There are multiple meanings to this song : 1.

NOTE TO READER : I stopped writing this on December 20th, 2004. It was time to catch my flight, so you'll understand. However, I am now returning to it on January 27th, 2005. I hate to do this, but.... I've tried to explain that these so-called mixologies are not really definitive descriptions of the meaning behind each song when I chose it, but rather a present-day journal speaking through a medium of past events. Accordingly, I can't remember what the "Multiple meanings" to "Pressure Drop" are. I'm trying to come up with whatever it was that I was thinking, but I'm drawing huge blanks. I'm going to try to work it out and come up with something. Sorry for the unexpected suspense.

There are, apparently, multiple meanings to this song : 1. "It is you" and "Pressure's gonna drop on you" : It's Bridget. Everything is in her hands now. When I was on my way home, writing this, I was only just coming to terms with that realization; what I then called "Omnipotent Impotence," or the condition of knowing exactly what you want to happen, perhaps even knowing exactly how to go about getting what it is you want, yet still being philosophically inhibited. I realized that as much as I'm used to the controlling role in our relationship, I really don't have any control or hand in the situation as it stands. Bridget's got a boyfriend, and things are going well between them (to my chagrin, dammit), and she's not going to cheat on him (to my chagrin, dammit), and if the two of us end up together at any point in the next decade (just an estimate), it will be at her hand and not mine (to my chagrin, double-dammit).
In the meantime, that leaves me to figure out what kind of life I want to lead, what kind of person I am. It's completely convenient, but terribly frustrating. I want to retreat from my real future, from the life of responsibility, but since Bridget is not playing her old role, I don't have anyone around to keep me distracted from my responsible future. I'm very slowly coming to understand how I'm going to live my life, but there's still a lot of exploring and experimenting (socially, not sexually) to be done.
(phew. deep breath)
2. I suppose the other meaning to this song is touched on above. In the sense that the pressure regarding our future has fallen on Bridget, the pressure regarding my future has fallen on me. This thought doesn't sound familiar, and I don't think I was thinking like this in December, so this couldn't possibly be one of my intended meanings. But I mean it now. Good enough for goverment work. This case is closed.

She Looks At Me - That Dog

Petra Strikes Gold

"She looks at me, oh so pretty.
Touching me with her smiling white teeth.
She's showing me the place
Where everything is heard and said.
She's showing me the place which is underneath my bed."

This song choreographs my dance of dismay and frustration; it has slightly beautiful, yet slightly discordant harmonizing voices, placed over grinding punk-grunge guitar. I just want to start kicking over trashcans and screaming when I hear it. I remember being disappointed with this song when I put it in; for symmetry, I needed 5 songs in the first track of the mix, but the four beside this one were just so perfect together that I almost couldn't bear to put this one in. I don't like it very much, and I never have, and I think that's because it is an ugly look at an ugly feeling. I try, too often, to approximate my emotions in song, and I usually pick things that sound a bit nicer than this. The face that this song fits so perfectly with how I feel/felt is probably what's so frustrating! I don't want this song to be in me, but it is a more accurate reflection than much of this mix. Well, fuck it and enjoy the rest. Just know the truth : This is an incredibly cinematic mix, by which I mean it is the movie version of my life. This song is not in the movie version of my life, but rather the real version. Fuck it. Move on. "Passenger Seat"

Displaced - Azure Ray

Another Floater

"And she's my friend of all friends.
She's still here when everyone's gone.
She doesn't have to say a thing.
We'll just keep laughing,
All night long. All night long."

I can thank Bridget for giving me Azure Ray. There's no one else to credit for that one. This song... there's a repetitive series of tones that plays in the background (something like oo ee oo ee oo, echoing away, if you care to find it for yourself); this tone just reminds me of the ocean, of driftwood, and somehow of The Great Gatsby. I can see the green light across the bay when I hear this song, and I feel as though I'm drifting somewhere in Jack Mayer's lake.
Jack Mayer's lake... I can't remember when that was. I know it was before March 14th, 2004, but I don't know when. I came up with the idea of driving to Minnesota the same night I drove to Jack's. It was me at my most romantic. I feel, lately, a lot like I did that night. I want to pursue creative aims, not so much the academia anymore.
Oh God, I'm getting washed up in present meaning. I think I might have to stop writing these for a few days.

(Two days later, December 20th, 2004) I'm now sitting in St. Louis Lambert airport, and I very nearly just flew to St. Paul. My original connection fell through, and I almost asked them to send me to Minnesota and connect me later, give me time to shuttle out to Mac and back. There's an idea that nobody would've been happy with in the end. Let's just be glad I wasn't feeling spontaneous; I blame dehydration.

Thinking about this mix (and I promise I have been thinking in my time off), I feel like there's something slightly different about it from the others. 17 Days, though I made it 17 days ago, managed to have some new and some hidden meanings. Even History Part 2 had something interesting to offer. This mix, however.... I feel either like it speaks for itself, or that it is trying to capture something that I've partially lost touch with. At any rate, I'm going to keep trying. I'm sorry if this is painfully uninteresting. I imagine reading this is not unlike reading the encyclopedia; relatively unenhancing, and a damper on your social life. If it's any consolation, writing this is probably a greater damper on my social life.

Bluebird Of Paradise (Pt.1) - Mojave 3

The OC Steals From Everyone

"Gotta find a way to get back home.
Gotta find a way back home."

In late May, The OC aired episode 26 of its first season, which featured the song "Bluebird Of Paradise" by Mojave 3. Weeks later, Bridget gave me the mix titled Windy Day Songs, which had the very same song on it. It seemed incredibly familiar, though I couldn't put my finger on where I'd heard it before. While attempting to download every song The OC used in season one, I finally remembered that that's where I had heard it before. It sucks that such a good song found its way to me before she had her chance to give it to me, but the consolation is that I'm not the only person The OC has been stealing from.
The meaning/importance of this song on this mix should be pretty obvious if you listen to it. The Summer (2004) was filled by thoughts of my home, what it meant to me while I was there, and what I might think of it once I left. For added significance, this entire mix was made while on vacation (part of the As American tradition) and I was anxious to get back home so I could be with her, and all of my other friends.
On a technical note, I took the entire song, "Bluebird of Paradise," and split it into three pieces (the pieces themselves are pretty distinct in the original song, so I didn't bastardize it). This is part one. Part two appears in the exact center of the second track, and part three is the last song of the third track. These three tracks stand alone, but I added track four and killed the symmetry. Damn me and my addendums.
I also think that the whole OC thing added a certain amount of magic to this song. I remember watching that episode and thinking "Oh man, I need whatever that song is." I promptly forgot to try finding it, so when it reappeared, it stimulated little bristles of warmth and good connotation in my subconscious. The song emerged from the mists of avalon, and so it holds a special place in my heart.

Wise Up - Aimee Mann

Giving up so soon?

"It's not going to stop.
It's not going to stop.
It's not going to stop till you wise up."

This song is a bit prophetic. I first encountered it years back, when I saw Magnolia, but I only really came to appreciate it in Spring 2004, when I downloaded as much Aimee Mann as I could find. This song is kinda prophetic for two reasons :
1. "Wising Up" is essentially what I've been doing for the last few months (it is December 18th, 2004 today); the process of figuring out exactly why I have these recurring problems. I didn't really recognize my problems as recurring back when I made this mix.
2. The likely reason I put this song on this mix (trying to put myself back where I was, kinda struggling) is to express some of my emotional OCD tendencies, like my tendency to insist that I will fail, that I can't succeed, that it's not going to stop. I feel like "It's not going to stop" resonates in me so strongly, but I have no idea what "it" is. Sometimes I think the thing that never stops is "It's not going to stop," like the only cycle in my head is the cycle of the cycle. Sometimes I feel too fucked up for words.

History Part 2

1. Good Vibrations (2004) - Brian Wilson
2. As American As Last Year, Track 1
3. Fuck And Run - Liz Phair
4. In Search Of Her, Tracks 17-19
5. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
6. Strings That Tie To You - Jon Brion
7. False Advertisements - Bright Eyes
8. History Part 2, Tracks 14-15
9. End Of Year, Tracks 17-19
10. Please Let That Be You (Live) - The Rentals
11. Blonde On Blonde - Nada Surf
12. Old Brown Shoe - George Harrison

Fuck And Run - Liz Phair

The Ultimate Track #2

"I can feel it in my bones.
I'm gonna spend the whole year alone.
It's Fuck and run, fuck and run.
Even when I was seventeen..."

This is track 2 from And Then I Washed My Hands Away (Feb. Friday the 13th, 2004).
That mix was a pretty dark one, and this song definitely contributed to that darkness. When I put it in History Part 2, I did so because "It is the ultimate second track." Track 1 is a dream, and Track 2 opens with Liz Phair stumbling out of bed, disoriented and disillusioned. If we ignore "Good Vibrations" and count the five tracks in between as one solid, then "Fuck And Run" functions as the second track in this mix, though it's kinda a stretch. Even so, AsAAsLY is a dream compared to the present, so the song still functions well.

Old Brown Shoe - George Harrison

Reprise

"I may appear to be imperfect.
My love is something you can't reject.
I'm changing faster than the weather.
If you and me should get together,
Who knows, baby,
You may comfort me."

This song is as old as dirt. I have lost track of where this song came from, but Bridget claims it came from one of her birthday mixes (maybe 2002, I think). At any rate, the song is a flagship. It's kinda like a mission statement, the last declaration of intent.
When this song first appeared, over two years ago, Bridget's mother heard the song and took it to mean I had a crush on Bridget. We both remember that story quite well. It is appropriate that it comes up on an anthology because it does come from the past, but to bring it back after so many years comes with an implication or two.
The way I imagine this song, in the context of this mix, is like the final transmission to Bridget before cutting off romantic conversation; the final piece of BELAJO. The pace of the song is a determined, persistent one. The message is that things will return, someday, to the way it was. No, better than the way it was. "Who knows, baby. You may comfort me."

Blonde On Blonde - Nada Surf

Le Sigh Of Le Relief

"I've got Blonde On Blonde on my portable stereo
It's a lullabye from a giant golden radio."

I can't explain why I love this song so much. I used it first in The Black Disc/In Search Of Her (Late Oct. 2003), and when I recycled half the content of that mix into And Then I Washed My Hands Away (Feb 13th, 2004), this song came with it. It resonates with me. It calms me. I love it so.

Please Let That Be You (Live) - The Rentals

The Great Motivator

"Empty, everything's technical.
Sterile and endless.
Inside, a malfunction.
Observe and obsess."

Stolen from And Then I Washed My Hands Away (Feb 13th 2004).
Where "The Love I’m Searching For" is my anthem, this song is my motivator. I loved the song when I heard it on Return Of The Rentals, then discovered the live version online in November 2003. The live version's drummer adds a sense of momentum and grassroots-ness to the song that I find particularly empowering. I put this next to "Love" so I could keep my Rentals in order.
NOTE : When I heard the live version, I was in a mix-making drought, so I kept it a secret from Bridget all through November, December, January, and half of February.

End Of Year, Tracks 17-19

Only In Dreams - Weezer
"You can't avoid her. She's in the air.
In between molecules of oxygen and carbon monoxide."

Where Is My Mind? - The Pixies : Another Great Transition
"Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water, see it swimming."

The Love I'm Searching For - The Rentals
"I don't think I'll find the love I want,
The love I'm searching for,
In this machine-o."

These tracks are #17, #18 and #19, with the same transitions, from End Of Year (December 2002). For some reason, when I made History Part 1, I neglected to include any of these three pivotal songs. Maybe I had some sort of reason for restraint back then that I have since forgotten. Either way, I'm glad I got to use them on this anthology.

I was listening to "Only In Dreams" when I realized that the drum fill in the middle of the song sounded almost exactly like one that starts "Where Is My Mind?" The transition between that and "The Love I’m Searching For" is less impressive, but the echoey, outer space feeling at the end of "Mind" matches the echoey, outer space feeling at the beginning of "Love". And "Love" really is important to this anthology, because it remains my anthem to this day. Expect to see it again, alongside "Rocketman"

History Part 2, Tracks 14-15

Row - Jon Brion : Non-thology #1 and #2
Virar vel til loftárása - Sigur Rós

These two songs have never been featured on any of my mixes, any mixes that have been given to me, or given to me in any way. "Row" is from the Eternal Sunshine soundtrack, and I heard it and it reminded me of a Sigur Rós song that had been in a music video that Bridget and I watched together (in another one of those disconnected, random nighttime memories). The music video, which features the full 10 minute song, is about a little boy who is playing with a doll, for which his father reprimands him. He drops the doll and a boy who is watching the events unfold sits idly by. Some period of time later, the boys are in a tent, being prepped for a soccer match. The onlooker boy walks up to the other boy, and hands him his doll. The soccer match commences, and the boy with the doll scores what seems to be the winning goal. Fanfare ensues, and as it dies down, we see that the two boys--the one with the doll and the one who retrieved it--are kissing in the middle of the field. In the chaotic conclusion of the song, parents and authorities rush to the middle of the field and tear the boys apart, followed by a quick cut to black. I remember watching this very late at night in my house, along with something else, though I can't remember what it was.
Anyway, the song above, which I daren't spell out again, is the song from that video. It comes from history, but has never been used before in the my universe of mixes.
It seems that a significant portion of this disc is owed to those memories from darkness, the vauge, unconnected memories which I have come to cherish recently.

False Advertisements - Bright Eyes

Instant Anthology #3

"On a string, on a string, on a string."

The last of the three "Instant Anthology" tracks. It follows "Strings That Tie To You" in exactly the same fashion here as it did on Bridget/Green, only I used my crossfading to make them closer together in this version. The last line of Brion's song goes "With strings that tie to you" and Bright Eyes comes in almost immediately with "On a string, on a string, on a string..." The segway is cute; definitely not up to snuff with "Sigur 1b" to "Green Grass of Tunnel", but still memorable.
A friend of mine told me her emo friend bet her she couldn't listen to a whole Bright Eyes albums without crying. My friend won the bet. Emo people are a little weird sometimes.
I investigated Bright Eyes after rediscovering "June On The East Coast" off of Bridget's Days Turn Into Months. The next time I was in a music store, I bought Lifted, which contains "False Advertisements." Not much personal meaning to me, though. Lots of angst, lines about being on stage, people watching for mistakes. Typical teen melodrama.

Strings That Tie To You - Jon Brion

Instant Anthology #2

"Now I know it's either them or me.
So I'll bury every clue.
In every kind of memory
With strings that tie to you."

This is the second of three "Instant Anthology" tracks ripped from Bridget/Green. This one refers to my secret plan, to bide my time by creating a vast network of love and memory for Bridget, while pretending to be indifferent to her on the surface. Man, she's going to be pissed when she reads all of this. Good thing I've got at least a year before she does.

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay

Instant Anthology #1

"I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy.
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was a hundred-and-two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you."


This is one of three "Instant Anthology" tracks on History Part 2. This song, to be fair, did appear on a mix before this one, but it appeared on a mix that was made less than 24 hours before this one (Bridget/Green). I'm just a sucker for ol' Colin. I really need to buy one of his albums.
The lyrics speak for themselves. "I don't want you thinking that I don't get asked to dinner, cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do. Even though I may seem to fear the touch of love, I just don't think I'll ever get over you. If I lived till I was a hundred-and-two, I just don't think I'll ever get over you."
And, just for reference, the coffee here is not that good.

In Search Of Her, Tracks 17-19

Sigur 9a/Sigur 9b - Sigur Rós : Best Transition Ever
Green Grass Of Tunnel - Múm

"And when I'm swimming in
Through a tunnel....
I shut my eyes."

These are tracks 17, 18 and 19 from The Black Disc/In Search Of Her (Late Oct. 2003).
The transition from Sigur 9b occurred to me... I can’t even remember how I realized that the slow bass tones in "Sigur 9b" vaguely correspond for a few measures with the introductory bass chords in "Green Grass of Tunnel", but if you didn't know the two songs separately, you'd never know they weren't the same song. In fact, I believe only Bridget and I know that I made that transition myself. At any rate, I've now used those three tracks together three times now, first on Black, then on Hands Away, and finally on History Part 2. I'm pretty sure I'm done with them. They have served their purpose.

As American As Last Year, Track 1

Bluebird of Paradise - Mojave 3
"Gotta find a way to be back home.
Gotta find a way back home."

Wise Up - Aimee Mann
"It's not going to stop.
It's not going to stop.
It's not going to stop, till you wise up."

Displaced - Azure Ray
"And she's my friend of all friends.
She's still here when everyone's gone
She doesn't have to say a thing
We'll just keep laughing
All night long, All night long."

She Looks At Me - That Dog
"She’s showing me the place which is underneath my bed."

Passenger Seat - Death Cab For Cutie
"I roll the window down, and then begin to breathe...."


This is the first track from the Summer 2004 mix, As American As Last Year. When I collected these songs, I thought it was the best standalone set I've ever assembled, so I keep them together here. The weak link in the chain has always been the fourth song, "She Looks At Me" by a band I thought was Dressy Bessy. Apparently the song belongs to a group called That Dog, whose central member was a member of The Rentals! For this reason, I am now no longer so grumpy about "She Looks At Me" when it comes on.
For the meaning of these tracks, refer to the Mixology of As American As Last Year.

Good Vibrations (2004) - Brian Wilson

"And I wonder what she's pickin' up from me.
And I'm picking up...."

A few circumstancial reasons why I chose this song to begin this mix. To the best of my knowledge, it has never been on a Bridge mix.
1. It has a "time warp" feel to it, which is appropriate for the anthology.
2. I had just recently obtained the album SMiLE by Brian Wilson, on which is a revised version of the original Pet Sounds version.
3. It's an awesome song.
4. Though it doesn't occur in mix history, is does occur in history. I've told Bridget about this memory at least once, and the memory is just one of those that is lost, floating about, disconnected from other memories. I am very very tired, in the passenger seat of her car, and we are driving through the intersection of Clifton and Ponce (I think. FACT CHECK!). When I told her the story the first time, I remembered going in the direction of Decatur, away from Atlanta, though I couldn't remember where we were going. Now, as I remember it, I get the feeling we were turning left onto Clifton, coming from Decatur. I really can't remember, I've rewritten this one so many times. But anyway, I'm exhausted, and talking about "Good Vibrations" which is playing on the radio, about how creepy it sounds. I don't know why this memory sticks with me so strongly.

17 Days

1.Let Me Go - CAKE
2.All We Have Is Now - The Flaming Lips
3.Grace Under Pressure - Elbow
4.One Hand, One Heart - Tony and Maria (West Side Story)
5.Let Go - Frou Frou
6.New Year's Day - U2
7.Sounds Of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel
8.Pale Blue Eyes - The Velvet Underground
9.Bare Necessities - Baloo (The Jungle Book)
10.Rocketman - Jon Langford And The Classifieds
11.Peach Moon - The Unicorns
12.All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands - Sufjan Stevens
13.Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset - Modest Mouse
14.Bells Ring - Mazzy Star
15.Happy Christmas - John Lennon And Yoko Ono
15-and-a-half.Secret Information
16.Waiting - CAKE
17.Over Our Heads - Jon Brion

Sounds Of Silence - Simon And Garfunkel

17 Days

The title of the mix comes from this track, indirectly. "Sounds Of Silence" harkens back to the opening credits of The Graduate, in which Dustin Hoffman is walking through an airport, having just returned home. When I hear this song, I can see myself on the moving sidewalks at Hartsfield-Jackson. 17 Days away from home when I made this mix. I'm 3 days away, now, as I write this.

Over Our Heads - Jon Brion

Anti-thesis

"Nothing ever lasts
It all gets torn to shreds
If something's everlasting
It's over our heads."

A necessary reminder to not take myself so seriously. This song is like an antacid at the end of a long, somewhat jumbled meal. Some of the songs may not digest well together, or some of them alone might not agree with me. But Jon Brion provides the relief needed at the end of all of it. Yes, it's confusing, and convoluted and contradictory at times, but all that meaning fades away with time. There is no understanding the everlasting, as this mix attempts to do. I must accept, by the end of the mix, that all the confusion and noise just means its over my head. Over our heads, actually. She doesn't hear the noise, or feel the confusion as much as I do (or if she does, she never talks about it), but she still doesn't understand the future, and what it holds. Neither of us can understand the future, and any attempts by us to do so will break logic.
Will we make it?

SECRET

Between Happy Christmas and Waiting is exactly 10.26 seconds of dead space. Think of it like a miniature Death.

Waiting - CAKE

Conclusion

"So you know,
You'll always be waiting
Always be waiting
For someone else to call.
And you can soak your bread in water.
You can soak your break in wine.
It can seem like you are living,
Like you're having a real good time
And you can do it your conscience
You can do it all the time
You can do it with a vengeance
In the morning, after nine.
But you know,
You'll always be waiting
Always be waiting
For someone else to call."


This isn't something I'm lording over her. If it was, I would have given her this mix as soon as it was made. The point is, I'm completely ready to keep doing what I'm already doing. I'm focusing on her, though not being vocal about it. She is content to spend her time, now, with Dij. Below the surface, though, we're both doing the same thing. So this song is my little tease, my little reminder (more to myself than to her, because she never got this mix) that the undercurrent exists. She'll be waiting on me to call, she'll want to turn to me for support. Whether or not she suppresses those urges, that's up to her. But I know the truth, and I keep it in this song.

Happy Christmas - John Lennon And Yoko Ono

Christmas In December, This Time

"And so this is Christmas,
And what have you done?
Another year over,
And a new one just begun."


The history here is that I used this song on As American, which was made in August 2003. It belongs there, but it belongs here for a different reason.

This song plays into my perpetual martyr complex, how I will never be satisfied with my life because I feel like the gift of life is too precious to ever repay my creator(s) for. What have I done? The answer is, always, nothing, but this song lends some beauty to even that knowledge. So I've done nothing, once again. The world continues, and there is yet another chance. Happiness exists in the world, and for that we should all be joyful. That's what I get out of this song.

Bells Ring - Mazzy Star

Ecstacy

"Hold your hands out towards the water
In front of me to know I'm with you.
Don't put it all into your hero.
Look on if you believe.
Look on if you believe.
Don't want to say that I'm through with it.
Just want to be right by your side.
Right by your side."


The lyrical meaning of this song is questionable, because I could only ever make out parts of Mazzy's sentences. Now that I look up the words, they seem perfectly appropriate, but I was unaware of words other than "Hold you hands out towards the water...."
In my mind, this song is here for tone. It has a slow, slogging feeling that should follow the realizations and admissions buried within "Talking Shit..." I label it, above, as "Ecstacy", because it feels like blurry, swishy, soft euphoria.

Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset - Modest Mouse

The Truth Of The Matter

"And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore,
So I blame this town, this job, these friends;
The truth is it's myself.
I try to understand myself and pinpoint who I am.
When I finally get it figured out,
I've changed the whole damn plan.

Oh noose, tied myself in, tied myself too tight.

Talking shit about a pretty sunset.
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.
I've changed my mind so much, I can't even trust it.
My mind changed me so much, I can't even trust myself.”


This song speaks like Peter does, telling me exactly what I've chosen to ignore. The first verse is wholly Peter's voice. The second verse is synthesis, Peter's inside-looking-outside-looking-in perspective combined with my cynical view of my constant complaints. This song manages to be completely about me.
Of note, musically, between the second chorus ("Oh noose....") and the second verse ("Talking shit..."), the music changes to something that is strongly reminiscient of "Where Is My Mind?" (a song featured in End Of Summer, End Of Me, and End Of Year). Just listen to it, I think it's an obvious tribute. For this reason, it sticks out in my mind and my intention was an homage to the past mixes and their meaning.

All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands - Sufjan Stevens

"And I am joining all my thoughts to you
And I'm preparing every part for you."

Originally on Bridget/Green, this was meant as to complement the song "Strings That Tie To You" (a song eventually featured on History Part 2). This song refers to what I'm doing right now, weaving a web of thoughts and love for her that shall remain invisible until the time comes. I said to a friend of mine that "The problem with having a good memory and three years of history is that everything reminds you of something." All I can do is try to make the best out of my situation, which means drawing power and reserve from the unavoidable reminders.

Peach Moon - The Unicorns

Innocence

"sun-smudged peach moon
softer than an ice cream cone in june
and why is it that
lightning strikes so perfectly at night?

what you do is what you choose
but consider consequences when you lose

all my life
i've been waiting for
a sign to say move on
and tonight
all the salt that's in the air just feels right

sun-smudged peach moon
softer than and ice cream cone in june
and why is it that
thunder purrs so strikingly at night?"

I keep the whole set of lyrics to this song because it's short and cute and I love every single word. I keep the lyrics in lowercase because this song is totally lowercase.

There’s nothing I can really say about this song. This one conveys its message in the sound, not the words. Listen, and you'll understand. It resonates.

Rocketman - Jon Langford And The Classifieds

Still Unsatisfied

"And I think it's gonna' be a long, long time
'Till touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home,
No, no no, no.
I'm a rocketman."

This one goes way back, to the Summer of 2002, when I heard this song on the radio from the passenger seat of Jovah's red volvo. These were the pre-Belinda days, of course, so I was relegated to shotgun. We heard the song, and the story behind it, during "This American Life" on NPR. Good ol' NPR even had the mp3 posted on the web for anyone. Obviously, this is an Elton John cover done by a band you’ve never heard of (and never will).
The first time I used it was in the End Series, where it felt good, but not solid. That's why it keeps coming back up. It almost fits in this mix, but that's only because I'm that much closer to where I need to be to finally use this song properly. Expect "Rocketman" to be put to rest within the next three mixes, depending on how long it takes me to develop the corresponding artwork. That's when I'll talk about the meaning of it, but not now.
(ADDENDUM, 12/22/04) Listening to this again, I wanted to mention here the significance of "And I think it's going to be a long long time (repeat)". It kinda stands for how I feel about the state of things with Bridget, and the distance between us. Like I said above, there's much more to this song than I'm letting out in this mix, but I think that the distance between Bridget and I (represented in this song by outer space) is going to last a very long while. Of course, that could change completely with every bend of the road.
I wonder what would happen if I fell gravely ill.

Bare Necessities - Baloo (The Jungle Book)

Hakuna Matata, Baby.

"So don’t spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found.
When you find out you can live without it and
Go along not thinkin' about it.
I'll tell you somethin' true.
The bare necessities of life will come to you."

I had this song stuck in my head for an entire week before I let it escape to this mix. I used it as a crutch, an artificial support system, trying to support myself in all my emotional gravity. This song is just damn uplifting, plus music of this type could make a scarecrow dance. It's just perfect, especially as a follow-up to the weighty and slow "Pale Blue Eyes".
It's almost as if the reluctant, shy smile of "Pale Blue Eyes" breaks out into a full smile, song and dance in "Bare Necessities". Enjoy this one. That's what it's here for.

Pale Blue Eyes - The Velvet Underground

The Perfect Shuffle

"Sometimes I feel so happy.
Sometimes I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel so happy
But mostly you just make me mad.
Baby, you just make me mad.

Linger on your pale blue eyes.
Linger on your pale blue eyes.

Thought of you as my mountaintop
Thought of you as my peak
Thought of you as everything
I've had but couldn’t keep
I've had but couldn’t keep

Linger on your pale blue eyes.
Linger on your pale blue eyes

If I could make the world as pure
And strange as what I see
I'd put you in the mirror
I put in front of me
I put in front of me.

Linger on your pale blue eyes.
Linger on your pale blue eyes.


Skip a life completely.
Stuff it in a cup.
She said money is like us in time
It lies but can't stand up.
Down for you is up.

Linger on your pale blue eyes.
Linger on your pale blue eyes.

It was good what we did yesterday.
And I'd do it once again.
The fact that you are married
Only proves your my best friend
But its truly, truly a sin.

Linger on your pale blue eyes.
Linger on your pale blue eyes."

I quote the whole song here because of its complete usefulness. "Linger on" acts as a revised thesis for this mix, as it seems to be what I've decided to do, rather than "Let Go." The term "Linger" is appropriately loose, unlike "mine" or "you've got her in your pocket," so it achieves what I want it to. I came across this song, having heard it only a few times before, while listening to my iPod on shuffle. This was the second song it picked, and as I was walking to class, I was paying particular attention to the lyrics. They are incredibly applicable, you'll find :


The first verse is absolutely where I am. I feel happy, sad, angry, and everywhere in between. I might be bipolar, or OCD or something that makes me bounce between emotions.

The key line of the second verse is "Thought of you as everything I've had but couldn’t keep," which seems to be precisely the problem with Bridget. Because I can't "keep" her (quotations used to de-emphasize the idea of possession), we're being apart until something changes. This puts undue emphasis on my role in this separation, but we are honestly separate for both of our sakes; the benefits I aim to gain from this separation are more obvious than hers, perhaps, but her decision to remain steadfast in the separation indicates that she is aware, on some level, of something she can gain from this time apart.

The third verse is typical cryptic Lou Reed stuff, but there's an idea in it I'm going to try to pass off as fact: "I'd put you in the mirror I put in front of me" calls up a strange idea of unity in my mind; if someone is in the mirror that is in front of me, then isn't that person me? Obviously, the words themselves demarkate the two people, but the fact that one's reflection is the other shows that they are, somehow, united. I like this, because I'm constantly looking for more satisfying forms of unity than sex.

The fourth verse has the line "She said money is like us in time. It lies but can't stand up." This returns to the point made in verse two, that we can't succeed as a couple in the present. We lie, but can't stand up over time. Too often, our relationship turned to sex when we were having problems being emotionally satisfying. We can't just "lie," though, because there is more to a relationship than that. We are learning to stand up, on our own.

The last verse is a dirty little fantasy of mine. I treat this entire verse like a prophesy of something romantic happening between the two of us in the near future. I feel like, if such a thing did happen, it would be good ("what we did yesterday") and I would do it all again, given the chance. But all we will do, if anything happens, is "lie" together. Being that we cannot, at present, stand up, means we must inevitably return to the state of things as they are now; "The fact that you are married only proves that your my best friend." But, I'll still get the satisfaction of knowing that what we shared was beyond her relationship with Dij, who she would have to cheat on for the prophesy to come true ("truly, truly a sin.")

New Year's Day - U2

Prophecy And Disillusionment

"All is quiet on New Year's Day.
A world in white is underway.
I want to be with you, be with you night and day.
Nothing changes on New Year's Day
I will be with you again.
I will be with you again."

Okay, so, in hindsight I'm not focusing very well on the thesis of this mix. I think there are important conclusions to be drawn from that fact. Anyway, this song is one I discovered during the summer of 2004, and I realized when I heard it that it was how I was going to feel later. That having happened, here's the present meaning of the song:
"I will be with you again" is the prophetic portion of the song (they chant it, over and over, each chorus).
"Though I want to be with you be with you night and day, nothing changes on New Year's Day" is the disillusionment portion of the song. I recognize the prophecy of the above line, but remind myself of how long there is to wait. Like, "Maybe you're right, and you will be with her again, but not anytime soon. The day of renewal is powerless to change anything."
This song makes me sad, yet solidifies me to my cause. Aye! So tricky, balancing these things in my head.

Let Go - Frou Frou

Return to thesis

"So let go, so let go. Jump in."

I enjoy thoughts like "One Hand, One Heart" but I realize that, while I am allowed to have thoughts and plans like that, I can't stay there all the time. I call myself back, quite literally, to the thesis song, "Let Me Go," with this, another song from Windy Day Songs, but one I was familiar with prior to recieving Windy.

One Hand, One Heart - Tony And Maria (West Side Story)

"Make of our hands, one hand.
Make of our hearts, one heart.
Make of our vows, one last vow.
Only death will part us now
Make of our lives, one life
Day after day, one life.
Now it begins, now we start.
One hand. One heart.
Even death won’t part us now."

This song is the entire reason I can't give 17 Days to Bridget. The rest of the songs are somewhat neutral, but this one takes the cake for being decidedly BELAJO.
A historical note : This song was originally going to be on History Part 2 but I took it off, realizing the value of this song for the future amd feeling it would be wasted so soon. However, unwilling to let it go completely, I integrated the song in a way too mysterious for words. The CD label of HP2 is a cropped photograph of Bridget (the photo I kept in my wallet while we were together, and for some time while we weren't) with an eerie green trimming around the edge. That green trim is the graphical representation of "One Hand, One Heart," and I think of it as a ring. She has my promise, whether she knows it or not. I'd rather she not know, just yet.
During the conflict I mentioned in "Let Me Go," I gave her some idea of how busy I've been; informed her that, though I'm trying to seem cold on the outside, there's always a secret meaning that I'm not saying. I revealed to her that the subject line of our e-mail "La da da da la da la dee..." was an approximation of the first line of Jack Skellington's Reprise in The Nightmare Before Christmas : "My dearest friend, if you don’t mind...." I likened her realization of this hidden meaning to be something like "Walking out onto your front lawn to discover its actually a minefield, and that it has been for months."

Grace Under Pressure - Elbow

Foundation

"Grace under pressure.
Cooling palm across my brow.
Eyes of an angel, lay me down."

This song is a lot simpler. The history is that she gave it to me on Windy Day Songs. I've returned to this song, outside of the context of Windy, for spiritual levity when I've needed it in the past months. Though she gave it to me, I've managed to make the song bipartisan; I recognize its origins, but identify with the song in ways that have nothing to do with her.

Original Intent : I wanted something to bring me back up after "All We Have Is Now," because that song is both musically and contextually heavy. I chose this for its personal meaning to me.

New Intent : This song reflects, almost perfectly, the nature of our relationship these days: On the surface, I'm seeking satisfaction and relief from myself. Below the surface, I'm silently espousing her and her gifts to me. I didn't realize this double-meaning until just now.

All We Have Is Now - The Flaming Lips

Reactionary citation.

"As logic stands you couldn't meet a man who's from the future,
But logic broke. As he appeared, he spoke about the future.
We're not going to make it.
He explained how the end will come.
You and me were never meant to be part of the future."

This song was stolen from Track 2 of Distancing The Wind because I didn’t know quite how to interpret it on that mix. She told me that the tracks were chronological, but didn’t tell me the endpoints. I assume, but do not know, that this song was picked as a reaction to discussions of the "Mythology Paradox," or the problems with acknowledging a planned future relationship while you are in a different, present one. "You couldn't meet a man from the future".

It’s possible that her intended meaning was in the chorus "All we have is now. All we've ever had is now," which would make sense chronologically.

My intention with this track was to undo, completely, the work of the previous few months. If we imagine that I am both in the present and the future--that I am both the narrator of the song, and the man from the future he speaks of--then I accomplish two important tasks :

1. I counter the Mythology by saying and hearing "We're not going to make it".

2. I lock away my ability to consider the future from present time; the opening of the statement of the song, "As logic stands...." holds, subconsciously, and prohibits any more prophecy on my part. I decided that attempting prophecy was trouble, and that I would be better off not making either positive or negative predictions of the future. #1 exists only to counter the damage that had already been done, before #2 puts the whole prediction mess aside for good.

Let Me Go - CAKE

The thesis of the mix.

"When she walks she swings her arms, instead of her hips
When she talks, she moves her mouth, instead of her lips.
And I've waited for her for so long. I've waited for her for so long.
I've wondered if I could hang on. I wonder if I could hang on.
Let me go, she said,
Let me go, she said,
Let me go and I will want you more.
Let me go, let me go, let me go and I will want you."

Aside from obvious physical description of Bridget, the idea of “letting go” in the fashion described above is particularly pertinent to this mix; this, following History Part 2 by less than two weeks, is meant to psychologically undo the work that HP2 did (bringing thoughts of her, and our past, fully into my mind). The mantra, the repetition of "Let me go" is just another instance of me musically putting words in her mouth. The "she" mentioned in the song is a fictitious version of Bridget, encouraging me to let her go for the sake of a future relationship with her. Being that this is the thesis song, my attempt was to let go of the thought of her in the present by making this mix.

The interesting result is that I still do keep her in my mind, but repress those thoughts in our day to day conversations. This has caused only one brief confrontation in its three-week implementation; there should be no further problems.